


One More

by Winged_Fool



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drug Abuse, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 10:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool
Summary: Alex's journey through heartbreak and recovery





	One More

**Author's Note:**

> I've been so inspired by all the incredible work in the RNM fandom, that inspiration is reflected here.

_Day_  

There’s a gaping pain in his chest. It hasn’t left since he sat on just this side of pathetic in Sanders Junkyard waiting for Michael. Alex sat outside Michael’s Airstream for hours, only the fear that something had happened to Michael keeping him from running away. 

It’s late when Michael returns, he gets out of his pickup, hands in his pocket, and at least has the decency to look guilty. 

“You said we’d talk this morning,” Alex says hollowly by way of greeting. 

Michael stops, “What?” 

“Yesterday, when you left, you said we’d talk in the morning. I waited here all day, worried something terrible had happened to you after you left.” Alex explains anxiously, twisting his hands in his lap. 

Michael kicks a bit of sand from under his boot before responding, “Max and Isobel needed me.”  

“I figured.” 

He nods and continues, “It’s just, it made me realize that everything we’ve been through has always been loaded with so much baggage. Would we even know how to happy together?” 

“We won’t know unless we try,” Alex offers. 

Michael pauses, and then says, “I don’t know if I have it in me to try anymore.” 

Alex feels tears spring to his eyes, and he swallows thickly. “I’ve meant everything I’ve said, Guerin.”  _I want to know who you are, Guerin. But you are mine. I never look away. I shouldn’t have left you behind when I enlisted._

“I know.” 

“Okay. So, what? It took you the whole day to be able to tell me this?”  

Michael shakes his head and avoids his eye, “No, I...I spent the day with Maria.” 

It feels like he had been punched squarely in the chest. All the wind blows out of him and he feels disoriented. “Oh.” 

Michael still doesn’t look at Alex, keeping his gaze firmly on his feet, “It’s just easier this way, Alex.” 

He huffs out a sarcastic laugh, “Easier. Right.” They stay silent for a moment before Alex nods. “Right. Then I should leave, shouldn’t I?” 

Michael simply shrugs, and Alex has never felt so empty. He gets up and slowly walks back to his car, half hoping Michael would call him back and tell him it was all a cruel joke. But he doesn’t. He lets Alex walk away and doesn’t even look at him as he drives away. 

When Alex gets back to his cabin, he sits in the car, tears finally escaping from his eyes. The pain in his chest hasn’t dissipated, and if anything, it feels worse. It has only been two hours since the last time he took his prescribed painkillers, but maybe another dose would help the pain in his chest. He dry swallows the pills, eyes closing for a moment. Then he pulls himself out of the car and enters the cabin. At least Lady can keep him company as he lets the grief consume him. 

 

 _Sunset_  

Alex has spent the past week or so isolated in his cabin. He just can’t bear to face anyone now. He feels angry and so, so stupid. Of course, Michael had moved on. Alex had pushed him away and left so many times before.  _Why would he want you after everything you’ve put him through?_  A mean voice slithers into his mind.  _How could anyone want someone like_ you _?_  This time, it sounded like his father and all Alex wants to do is curl in on himself as he used to as a frightened child hiding from his dad. 

The self-loathing thoughts continue to swirl in his mind until he wants to rip himself apart. To make himself bleed. To focus on a physical pain rather than the persistent pain in his chest. But he’d trimmed his fingernails this morning as he had every morning for the past six years. It was a trick he and his therapists had worked out to avoid giving into the temptation. He hadn’t hurt himself like that in years and succumbing to that desire at this point felt like the worst kind of defeat. 

Instead, he focuses on the blunt pain in his chest, the throbbing pain where his body meets the prosthetic, and the ache in his hip. He squashes the voice that slides back in to remind him that Michael could never love someone broken,  _damaged_ and reaches for his medicine cabinet. He pours out twice the dose of his painkillers and one dose of sleeping pills then readies himself for bed. 

It’s only eight pm and the sun is just starting to dip beyond the horizon, but Alex lays in bed waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in. Lady snuggles up next to him and whines for his attention. He scratches her behind her ears and closes his eyes. Sleeping these days is the only time he could quiet the self-loathing and feel somewhat at peace. And if he hopes that tomorrow is the day he doesn’t wake up, then that’s no one’s business but his own. 

 

 _Dusk_  

Kyle is the first one to break Alex’s self-imposed isolation. He shows up with a six pack of Marbles and Alex lets him in but not first without a snide, “Well I prefer Bosque, but I guess you can stay.” 

Kyle just rolls his eyes and opens two bottles for them. After he hands one of them to Alex, he leans against the counter and watches Alex carefully. “Where have you been, man?” 

Alex takes a slow drink from his beer, “Here.” 

“By yourself?” 

“Lady has been keeping me company,” Alex says defensively.  

He rolls his eyes again, “Your beagle doesn’t count.”

Alex picks at the label on his bottle, “I just needed some time alone.” Kyle nods in understanding. Alex feels a pit in his stomach because he realizes Kyle must know it’s because of Michael and Maria. And if that’s not just the most humiliating thing, then he doesn’t know what is. He shakes it off, “What’s been going on?” 

Kyle huffs out a small laugh, “So much.” He pauses for a moment as if thinking where to start and settles on, “I put your dad in a medically induced coma.” 

That shocks Alex into laughter, “Well at least something good came out of this.” He shakes his head a bit and asks, “Are you okay?” 

Kyle smiles softly, “Yeah. I mean, no, but yeah.” Alex nods because that complicated emotion was one he was well acquainted with. Kyle then goes on to explain everything else. About Noah keeping Rosa in his pod, about Max reviving her, about Max nearly dying, having to be put back in his pod to stabilize his condition, then transferred to the hospital under Kyle’s supervision. “Liz is going through a lot right now,” he finishes. Alex knows Kyle means it in a good nature way, but all he hears is stop _wallowing in your_ _self-pity_ _, there are bigger problems going on._  

Later, as Kyle is getting ready to leave, he studies Alex’s face for a moment. “Are you really okay, Alex?” 

The pain in his chest clenches tightly. “I’m fine,” Alex snaps but realizes how defensive it sounds. “I’m fine, Kyle,” he reassures. 

Kyle doesn’t look like he believes him, but he nods once. “Call me if you ever need anything. I mean it, man. There are people who care about you.” Alex smiles weakly and sees Kyle to the door. 

After he’s alone again, Alex uncaps his painkillers and takes a handful of them. He swallows them down with the last of his beer, then takes out his phone to call Liz. 

 

 _Night_  

The first time he sees Michael again is at the hospital. He was never particularly close with Max, but he wants to be there for Liz. He told her he’d come by to check on her and see if she needed anything. When he arrives, he carefully avoids the part of the hospital that houses the coma patients. 

When he enters Max’s room, he realizes he’s come at the worst time. Liz, Isobel, and Michael are huddled around Max’s still body and talking quietly amongst themselves. He wants to dart and even thinks being in his father’s room would be better than this, but instead, his entire body freezes up on him. 

Liz looks over first, smiles sadly at him, and gets up to greet him. “Thank you for coming,” she murmurs into his neck after she’s pulled him into a hug. 

“I came at a bad time. I should – I should go,” he responds and starts slowly backing toward the door. 

“We’re not going to bite,” Isobel calls out, a small smirk on her face. 

Alex feels like he can’t breathe. It’s not any of  _them_  he’s worried about. The pain in his chest feels like it could swallow him whole. But Liz needs support now and he’s literally been to war, so he settles in to the chair next to Liz and lets the awkward conversation flow around him. Michael doesn’t say much but at one point, Isobel says something that causes him to laugh, shake his head, and run his hand over his face. And that’s when he sees it. Michael’s hand. Perfectly healed. 

Alex’s vision tunnels and all he can do is focus on the hand. Somehow, the pain in his chest becomes impossibly heavier. It feels like his body has turned to lead. Michael’s hand is healed and suddenly the last ten years of Alex’s life have become meaningless. He doesn’t know what to do or how to react, but he knows he needs to get out of here and dull the pain. 

He stumbles to his feet and makes some flimsy excuse before making his escape from the room. He’s back in his car and with trembling hands, he pours out the pills from his painkiller prescription, not caring how many doses he’s doubling, just knowing he needs this. It’s the only way he can feel whole these days. 

 

 _Midnight_  

Alex returns to his cabin alone, with only the familiar pain in his chest as his company. He had just left the base after receiving his honorable discharge. He’s officially a civilian again, but it doesn’t make the future seem any less bleak. He hadn’t always loved the Air Force, but it had offered him stability and at least he knew what he’d be doing tomorrow.  _The military is always_ _looking for good codebreaker contractors,_  the officer relieving him of duty suggested.  _There’s always Kirtland, Holloman, or even Fort Bliss if you_ _felt like betraying Air Force for Army. If you want to_ _get out of the area, Andrews always has good_ _work available._ The endless possibilities he can do now feels overwhelming and he needs to stop his mind from spinning out of control. 

Alex greets Lady and then makes his way to his bathroom. He opens the medicine cabinet, but his hands are trembling so much that when he tries to open the pill bottle, he spills half the contents. He lets out a yell of frustration and looks at himself in the mirror. 

His reflection in the glass causes him to freeze and chills him to his very bones. Eyes red-rimmed, face pale, and an ugly look of anger written on his face. He’s reminded of a time from his childhood after his mother left and his father drowned his anger in alcohol. The first time Jesse had laid a hand on Alex was during those drunken stupors (though as the years went by, Jesse didn’t limit himself to those times and it became harder to avoid triggering him to a rage). 

Alex falls to his knees by the toilet, ignoring the pain in his prosthetic leg. He’s crying into the bowl of the toilet and can’t keep the vomit down. He stays there for long moments until he’s dry heaving because there’s nothing left in his stomach. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls Kyle. 

When he answers, Alex chokes out a simple, “I need help.” 

 

 _Dawn_  

Detoxing is a different kind of pain. If he had to compare it to anything he’s experienced before he’d maybe say phantom pain. Like the phantom pain, it’s invisible and claws beneath his skin. Kyle had taken him to the hospital and started the detox process. If Alex was in a sardonic mood, he’d think it was fitting that he’s following his father’s footsteps so well that it was an inevitability he’d take up residence in the hospital as well. If he was in a more maudlin mood, he’d think at least Jesse had the comfort of not being conscious through his pain. 

Kyle came to visit him daily and took care of Lady while her owner was away. He claimed he was done living by his father’s code, but Alex thinks his new code is just as compassionate. Perhaps not as misplaced as Jim’s had been. 

Liz comes by occasionally when she’s not visiting Max or reacquainting Rosa with the modern world. She was so mad at Alex when he was first admitted, “How am I supposed to be a not crappy friend if you don’t tell me what’s going on with you?” she demanded. He’d smiled at her throwing his words back at him. She hugged him tightly and he knows she was scared and was using her anger as a deflection. He hugged her back just as tight and began to tell her about the demons that had been haunting him since long before he’d enlisted.

Maria comes by once and it’s not as awkward of an affair as he thought it would be. They carefully avoid talking about Michael until she’s leaving. She has a sad look in her eyes, “This is my fault, isn’t it?” 

“Never,” Alex responds heatedly as the pain in his chest constricts. “It’s no one’s fault. You can’t help who you fall for. I can’t sit here and lie to you and say it doesn’t hurt, but I know you, Maria. You would never do anything to hurt me.” 

“But I have.” 

“Michael has,” Alex corrects, “but I’ve hurt him too.” 

It doesn’t solve their problems, and it doesn’t dull the pain he’s in. But it’s a start, and he knows they’ll be okay. 

Michael doesn’t come to visit until Alex has been discharged and is back at his cabin, weeks later. It’s late, and Alex doesn’t want to do this now, but it’s never going to be a good time. “How are you doing now?” Michael asks once he’s settled in the living room. 

“Better. I feel surrounded by temptation, but it’s getting easier,” Alex replies truthfully. 

“Good, I’m glad. I wanted to visit you when you were in the hospital, but I figured you wouldn’t want–” 

“It’s fine,” Alex interrupts gruffly. 

A silence settles over them for a while until Michael breaks it, “That day in the hospital with me, Izzy, and Liz...Did you leave because of my hand?” 

“Of course,” he murmurs. 

“Look, it doesn’t erase what we’ve been through, Alex. The pain is still there, it cramps up still and it still hurts. You just can’t see it anymore,” Michael explains gently. 

“I don’t want you to be in pain to validate our experience, Guerin,” Alex returns, pained. He closes his eyes briefly, “I can’t talk about this.” 

“Okay.” Michael nods and leaves it at that. 

“Have you told Maria about you guys?” Alex can feel the pain in his chest twist a bit, but he needs to know if Michael trusts her more than he had Alex. 

Michael shakes his head, “I can’t.” 

Alex chews on his lip, “You need to. She deserves to hear it from you.”  _She doesn’t deserve to find out the way I did._  

“Yeah, because that went so well for me last time, didn’t it?” Michael demands defiantly. “I bared my secrets to you, showed you things I’d never shown anyone, and you left at the first moment you could.” 

It would have been nicer if Michael had gotten up and slapped Alex across the face. “That’s not why I left, Guerin.” 

“Isn’t it?” he challenges. 

Alex shakes his head and gets up to go to the linen closet and pulls out an old backpack. “I left because I couldn’t stand the thought of you leaving the planet. I left because of this.” He offers the bag to Michael who takes it carefully. 

When Michael sees what’s inside, he can’t get the words out fast enough, “How long—Why are you giving this to me?” He settles on. 

“You’ve been through a lot, Michael. Most of it is because of me or my family. We’ve taken a lot of choices away from you. It’s the only choice I can give you back.” Alex watches as Michael examines the alien glass. 

“Alex...” Michael begins, and when Alex looks at him, he sees pain, hesitation, and _love_ in his eyes. 

“Michael, don’t.” Alex stops him, “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. It’s not going to be fair to Maria.” He takes a deep breath, “And it’s not going to be fair to me.” 

Michael closes his eyes and nods, “I should leave.” 

“I think that’s for the best,” Alex says steadily. After he leaves, Alex crawls into bed and Lady snuggles up next to him. The pain in chest spreads across his body, and he reaches for Lady and pulls her closer to him. She lets him hug her tightly and he drifts off to sleep. 

 

 _Sunrise_  

Things get better after that. Alex feels lighter and freer, though it’s not always easy. There are dark moments, but whenever he feels close to the edge, he takes Lady out on a walk or snuggles with her, or he calls Kyle or Liz. He sees Kyle frequently, goes out to the Crashdown with the girls, and even goes to the party Isobel throws for Max after he’s woken up and is healthy again. 

Alex decides to contract with White Sands Missile Range as a codebreaker and finds a small apartment in Alamogordo. It’s only two hours away, so he can come back on the weekends whenever he wants. But it feels like a fresh start, and he doesn’t feel shackled by his past anymore. 

Kyle helps him pack up his sparse belongings into his car and promises to come visit soon. Alex gets into his car and begins driving away, and he feels ready. The open road is ahead of him, Lady is napping in the passenger side, and a small content smile is on his face. The pain in his chest is only a slight twinge now, and for the first time in years, Alex is looking forward to tomorrow. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please be gentle with me. I’ve spent four years writing academic papers, and I haven’t written creatively in six years, fanfiction in eight.


End file.
